25 Years of Holding it All In

I am creative person. Many call me an artist. There is that element to me yes, but mostly I am full of creation.

What a way to describe oneself. I am full of creation.
We ALL are full of creation. His creation.

Alas, let me focus on the title of this post, 25 years of holding it all in.
It does some tricks on the mind and body let me tell ya! I believe it is why I have such a creative drive.

The "bottled-up" affect allowed the creative part of my mind to devise a way to get the feelings out of the body since verbal expression was not being used. You could ponder which way it happened. Whether I decided not to speak and found I had to create or whether my creative side made me shut up so that I could use my unspoken voice to come out on the canvas. I believe the latter is true. My mom often tells the story of how she thought she was going to have to take me to the hearing doctor because she thought I was deaf because I was almost three before I began talking.

Either way, this inability to verbally express myself has been a blessing and a curse. Sometimes these unexpressed feelings become so intense that I feel I am going to crack in half, or my heart is going to implode. I literally feel myself going insane. I wonder really, if I am ever what one would call 'sane'?

Anyways, for many years my dear husband has educated me on how to bring my voice out. Like a sculptor he has been chiseling away at the granite. I thank him for that.

I only recognize his hard work now for I have gained some incredible perspective from a Toastmasters club that I am a part of at work. I have been in this club for about 10 months and am about to give my 5th speech. And what have I learned?

I have, after 25 years, finally altered a fundamental belief in me.

I always thought what I said didn't really matter. What a way to live one's life? How sad? What I say doesn't matter?
And you know what, the way I spoke reflected that belief. I taught people to ingore what I said, because I really didn't say anything, because it didn't really matter anyway right?

Wow, the insight goes deeper than that. Here I was, at Toastmasters, giving my 2nd speech. Talking about the things I had learned from reading the book The Power of Full Engagement. When I was finished speaking, the prominent leaders of the group~those that are excellent communicators~ came up to me and thanked me and were so appreciative of what I had shared because it had changed them. It had altered their perspectives. These people that I had great respect for, cared what I had to say and were moved by what I had said.

So I had touched their lives. Their hearts. Their minds. With my...voice.
It wasn't me. It was God, it was Christ. What I said in that speech that day, was what Christ had deemed me to say. And because God was in it, it moved and breathed and came to life and touched the hearts of the audience.

What is so amazing is I see those people who were affected by my speech changing and growing because of the doorway I opened for them in their hearts and minds~that God opened in them. Because of me...because of my voice? It is so facsincating.

So not only have I discovered that my voice is a powerful tool that I AM capable of exercising, but that it is imperative that I develop this attribute further. For God ordains it.
He has so much he wants to share through me using my voice.

Okay...I am all over the place in this blog post today. But that's okay.

I have so much I want to say. That makes sense, right? I mean, 25 years...years....
YEARS of not saying what was on my mind exactly how it was on my mind...of filtering and gauging and making sure that what I said was as generic and acceptable as possible, so as not to offend anyone or hurt anyone or to have an opinion of any sort...

I feel like the dam has broken and I fear that my words are just going to flood and drown everyone. But I must.
I must express what I feel, exactly how I feel, with my voice. And with practice I will learn balance.

I fear that I will lose part of my creative ability, but fear NOT I must.

For anything that causes one to grow deeper in themselves and Christ only opens up more to give and recieve. Only makes one greater and stronger and more alive.

I accept this challenge with a humble heart and am thankful to be so blessed to have a voice and know how to finally use it.

Thank you for reading. May He Light the next step in your path.

Weight

All things with mass carry weight, right? Yes. Did you also know that all energy carries weight? Did you know that 4 pounds of energy from the sun hits the earth every second? You can read all about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass%E2%80%93energy_equivalence

Okay, so energy carries weight? What about it? "What's it to ya?"

Well, every single thought you have is a synapse...an electrical impuse that sparks off in the mind. Thus, every single thought carries a weight. A substance that is real and tangible. A substance that breathes and is alive.

So the moral of the story:

Be careful what you think for, you just might get it!

Now on a more serious note:

The first step toward achieving a goal is to think of it.
The second step toward achieving a goal is to think it can be accomplished.
The third step toward acheiving a goal is to think you've already accomplished it.

For you have accomplished it on a quantum level. On the quantum level, where your synapse sparked in the mind, your thought came into existence and gained its life. And within every birth of life thus is contained it's death~or if you will~ it's completion.

Some people may call these affirmations...call them what you will.

I call them thoughts. And I give these thoughts a great weight in my mind and on my being. For Christ is in these thoughts, God is in these thoughts, all of creation is in these thoughts.

I recently posted that great things are to be accomplished this year. I will say it, I mean think it, again:

Great things I must accomplish this year.
Great things I will accomplish this year.
Great things for God has willed it.
In His light.
In His light.

Thank you for reading, it means a great deal to me. I am honored that you find what I write to be of value to you. What I write is inspired by Him. I am the vessel, He is the Will.

Love,

Blake

Welcome 2009

Two-thousand and nine. Two-thousand and nine years since the Birth of Christ. We must not forget...

~~~~~
We have a dry erase board at work that is placed in the concessional area where everyone gathers to get their coffee (I mean pay for their coffee) and other morning snacky activities.

At some point this past year I inherited the lovely task of decorating this dry erase board with upcoming events and the like. An honor I take seriously.

For Christmas I decorated the sign with a Mister Frosty and snowflakes and wrote:
"May your Holidays be Merry and Bright."

Can you get anymore Politically Correct than that? Perhaps.

I mean perhaps I did manage to offend someone with my depiction of frosty and the snow.

Alas, that is NOT the point of my post this evening!

Back to the point.

For New Year's I changed frosty's hat to a new years hat and wrote:

Welcome 2009!

And today I title my post the same.

WELCOME 2009

This is my stance. And that is my point.

I welcome this new year. I am thankful for my life and family and the tumultuous 2008 we just survived.

I am thankful for Christ carried us through.

I've turned many new leafs for this bright New Year. I am resetting my internal mindset and starting anew.

There are great things to be accomplished this year.

I must remain focused and on task.

Great things...

As I strive to continue walking in His Will and in His Light.

I Seek

I seek to discover the why to something.

Why am I drawn to certain people? Why?

Why were you drawn here to click here and read this? I'm connecting to you and you're connecting to me. It is for SOME reason. And that reason is beyond our comprehension (as least in this moment). The energy that is passing between us is real. It is ALIVE and it is carrying out its own mission, apart from us. A mission that has nothing to do with us as persons. Messages are being sent subconsciously from me to you, and you to me.

I am studying what I call the law of connectivity. I am always on the lookout for whom I'm drawn to in a crowd or group. And when I find that attractive person I ponder the whys. And when I say attractive I mean that more in the sense of energy rather than looks. I've been drawn to folks who do not even see the beauty in themselves with sunken skin and battered hearts. Attraction has no age, race, religion, or gender barrier. Attraction is pure, real, and true and happens on all levels of everything.

I've occassionally accepted the task of actually speaking to a few people that my being called out to. Each time I've touched their hearts and they have touched mine. What an intimate thing, to touch hearts. I LOVE IT!! To swim in the hearts of others! To bathe in their hearts and have bits and pieces of them gather in me as I leave bits and pieces of myself in them! Why to me, that is what life is about!

But let us redirect here back the the question...
Let's come back around to the why? WHY THE ATTRACTION IN THE FIRST PLACE? Why do some people seem to scream out to me while others fade into the scenery?
Is it chemical? Is it physical? Is it spiritual?
Is it a fluke? Is it a hoax? Is it all just nonsense?

I welcome your opinions and ideas on the subject.

~~
I need to give this amazing example.

~~
Several months ago I had a night out and ventured to the Bookstore. On the way there a thought entered my head, "I am going here because there is someone here I am suppose to meet."

As I walked into the bookstore my attraction meter kicked into high gear. I studied all the people I encountered frantically and eagerly trying to discern who this person was when another thought struck my head, "You'll know because there will be a significant sign."

Hmmm, I thought. Let us see.

So I sat down to peruse through a book forgetting the task at hand and letting the task at hand be its own thing.

As I was reading a gentleman of about 30 years ahead of me on this life path (more traditionally known as a man in his 60's) sat down across from me. I casually glanced up from my book and noticed the book he had picked up to browse through. I was frozen.

He had picked up a book that my belated grandfather owned that I now have. A book that has deep siginificance to me and my life titled, A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking!!!

At this discovery I took a deep breath, laid my book aside, and began to speak.

And the rest is another story my friends. The point is, my subconscious had a purpose that evening and I was aware enough to sense it out and listen for when and where that purpose would manifest itself.

Which also means there is a purpose to my blog post this evening. And YOUR subconscious has a purpose for seeking this post out having you read it.

Isn't that just fascinating to think about in that way!!! It's true! I know it, though I'm afraid it will take time and faith for us to discover the purposes of our connection.

in His light...

Burning From with Inside

When I haven't had a chance to create (that is to paint) I find a place in my heart begin to burn.

As it burns my eyes become more sensitive to everything.

Shadows come to life...

Colors strike me so bright I feel as if I'll go blind...

The more days that pass without a new creation, the more intense the burning becomes.

It's as if I am coming down with a fever...

I cry at the drop of the dime at the beauty that surrounds me...

Music strikes my spirit like fingers to a guitar chord...

I become that which is inexplicable.

That which is intangible...

A force~

A force which is no longer me...

But creativity itself, screaming to be manifested in a tangible form.

I paint for I must

I paint for my heart would explode if I didn't

I paint for my love of this world

I paint for my love of this life

I paint for my love of all those whom I hold so dear to my heart...

See, words simply cannot express that which currently swirls and burns within me...

Like a hurricane, ripping me to pieces...

I can only share through the canvas

Through the paint

through my hands and heart...

~thank you for reading~

Self-Esteem

Hmmm...
What is this thing called "self-esteem"?

Do you know?

I thought I did. Until recently.

This is my definition:

Self-esteem is the voice inside my head. What it speaks, is what I feel.

Perhaps, you've heard this before:

Thoughts are energy.



So now let's see. I have this voice inside my head and I have two choices I can make about what that voice tells me on a daily basis.

1) I can choose for it to say something positive
2) I can choose for it to say something negative

The choice I feed will be the choice internalized.

To internalize, is much like to eat. To take a thought into one's mind, "chew" on it, and swallow it into their being.

Ah, ha! So knowing all this, what do I choose?
I choose to be a childlike again!

I choose thoughts such as these:

I am wonderful.
I am great.

I am good.

I am amazing.

I am talented.

I have the world before me!

I have all the skills I need to achieve all that I set out to achieve.

And I toss violently aside thoughts such as these:

I am worthless.

I suck.

What the hell am I doing?

How did I think I could do this?

I can't do this.

I don't know anything.

I challenge you to do the same. Toss aside all that is negative.

You are wonderful.

You are amazing.

You are talented.

You have all the skills, talents, and abilities to achieve all you ever dreamed in this life!

DREAM~ACHIEVE!!!!

YOU ARE AWESOME!

Communication

I recently attended a communication seminar to help me expand my communicative abilities. It was quite a worthwhile event!
The one thing that I took away that I want to share most is this:

When you are communicating with someone you're either:

Opening the door

or

Closing the door

---

And the way to keep the door open is to make the one whom you're talking too feel safe. To protect their ego and lift them up.

All too often we forget.

~~May we all continue to lift each other up~~that' what we're here for! :D