25 Years of Holding it All In

I am creative person. Many call me an artist. There is that element to me yes, but mostly I am full of creation.

What a way to describe oneself. I am full of creation.
We ALL are full of creation. His creation.

Alas, let me focus on the title of this post, 25 years of holding it all in.
It does some tricks on the mind and body let me tell ya! I believe it is why I have such a creative drive.

The "bottled-up" affect allowed the creative part of my mind to devise a way to get the feelings out of the body since verbal expression was not being used. You could ponder which way it happened. Whether I decided not to speak and found I had to create or whether my creative side made me shut up so that I could use my unspoken voice to come out on the canvas. I believe the latter is true. My mom often tells the story of how she thought she was going to have to take me to the hearing doctor because she thought I was deaf because I was almost three before I began talking.

Either way, this inability to verbally express myself has been a blessing and a curse. Sometimes these unexpressed feelings become so intense that I feel I am going to crack in half, or my heart is going to implode. I literally feel myself going insane. I wonder really, if I am ever what one would call 'sane'?

Anyways, for many years my dear husband has educated me on how to bring my voice out. Like a sculptor he has been chiseling away at the granite. I thank him for that.

I only recognize his hard work now for I have gained some incredible perspective from a Toastmasters club that I am a part of at work. I have been in this club for about 10 months and am about to give my 5th speech. And what have I learned?

I have, after 25 years, finally altered a fundamental belief in me.

I always thought what I said didn't really matter. What a way to live one's life? How sad? What I say doesn't matter?
And you know what, the way I spoke reflected that belief. I taught people to ingore what I said, because I really didn't say anything, because it didn't really matter anyway right?

Wow, the insight goes deeper than that. Here I was, at Toastmasters, giving my 2nd speech. Talking about the things I had learned from reading the book The Power of Full Engagement. When I was finished speaking, the prominent leaders of the group~those that are excellent communicators~ came up to me and thanked me and were so appreciative of what I had shared because it had changed them. It had altered their perspectives. These people that I had great respect for, cared what I had to say and were moved by what I had said.

So I had touched their lives. Their hearts. Their minds. With my...voice.
It wasn't me. It was God, it was Christ. What I said in that speech that day, was what Christ had deemed me to say. And because God was in it, it moved and breathed and came to life and touched the hearts of the audience.

What is so amazing is I see those people who were affected by my speech changing and growing because of the doorway I opened for them in their hearts and minds~that God opened in them. Because of me...because of my voice? It is so facsincating.

So not only have I discovered that my voice is a powerful tool that I AM capable of exercising, but that it is imperative that I develop this attribute further. For God ordains it.
He has so much he wants to share through me using my voice.

Okay...I am all over the place in this blog post today. But that's okay.

I have so much I want to say. That makes sense, right? I mean, 25 years...years....
YEARS of not saying what was on my mind exactly how it was on my mind...of filtering and gauging and making sure that what I said was as generic and acceptable as possible, so as not to offend anyone or hurt anyone or to have an opinion of any sort...

I feel like the dam has broken and I fear that my words are just going to flood and drown everyone. But I must.
I must express what I feel, exactly how I feel, with my voice. And with practice I will learn balance.

I fear that I will lose part of my creative ability, but fear NOT I must.

For anything that causes one to grow deeper in themselves and Christ only opens up more to give and recieve. Only makes one greater and stronger and more alive.

I accept this challenge with a humble heart and am thankful to be so blessed to have a voice and know how to finally use it.

Thank you for reading. May He Light the next step in your path.