Destiny

One of my dear friends from work just celebrated her retirement party. I got to be the one in charge of handling all the details, from ordering the food to arranging her retirement memory book. It was a great exercise in skills that I am sadly incompetent in; namely planning and delegating. Alas, it turned out very well for my first serious planned event! Especially with me being 9 months pregnant and full of baby brain-itis!

All that said, I'd like to speak specifically to her memory book. It was a collection of memory cards from various people throughout the office. I wanted her book to be extra special so I collected a series of quotes to write and include in her book and drew up her favorite animals, horses and cats, and added quotes to those as well. It made for a lovely assortment of well wishes and positive thoughts to carry her on through her next life's chapter.

Amidst all the searching for really meaningful and thoughtful quotes I stumbled upon this one that struck me so deeply, well, I had to write about it!



“Sow a thought, and you reap an act; Sow an act, and you reap a habit; Sow a habit, and you reap a character; Sow a character, and you reap a destiny”

Charles Read

And what exactly did I take away from this quote?

That every thought is significant. Deeply significant. For the heart of our destiny is rooted in these thoughts.

Furthermore, every action we take from our thoughts is deeply significant.

This is tough to realize for we tend to go around in our lives with the cruise control on. Just taking it easy...doing this, doing that...getting some things done, some things not. No big deal, right?

Hmmmmm...

Then we hit one of those milestones.

Like the age of Thirty, or the age of Forty, or Fifty. Or a New Year comes along and we take that intimate moment to pause and reflect on our life's direction. And what do we find? We do we see?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...I'm this age? I've gone another year without doing that? I've gone another decade without doing that?


Yes, in those moments we digest the seriousness of the NOW. We wake up for a little bit to our life's perspective to see what cruise control does to our destiny. Namely, that cruise control DERAILS IT!!

The work, the hard work. Is to take each thought. To take each action with the same seriousness and awareness that we give to those milestones. To make milestones a daily event, a daily thought. A daily action.

It's about this precious journey, isn't' it? It's about the path. Not the end.

In those milestone moments we sentimentalize our life's journey. We say, "Awe, man. Life is fast! I sure would like to get that done before I die. Hmmmmm. Wow, how this life just goes and we can't put the breaks on."

No good. No good! WE MUST TAKE ACTION! In any moment that we feel the "drift" we must WAKE UP, think about what we're thinking~ shift it if necessary. Then ACT.

I thought. I thought of how important the meaning of this quote is. I thought of how I had to share this discovery. Then, I acted. I wrote this post. But there's more...oh so much more, isn't there?

That's the other difficulty. If we're to act, we must continually act. I'm so use to cruise control! It's so easy! But I've never been a fan of easy. lol

So what is next? Well, more posts! More sharing! More painting! More creating!

It's what I'm here for. It what we're here for!

You see that destiny of yours? It's waiting. It's calling your name. What thought can you have today that you can act on TODAY.

Then we'll discuss all the other parts of this quote. As if this isn't hard enough to think an act seriously, we still have to reap our character and destiny! Whewwww!

We can do it though. We were BORN to do it!

Pondering the Nature of Dreams

I dreamt last night of love so intense it woke me from my sleep and caused me weep.

I don't mean the love of a person, though a person was involved. The person was merely the conduit. The visual expression of this spiritual encounter. I closed my eyes and kissed them on the forehead and they spoke "I'm kissed."

I dreamt of love.

In it's purest most inexpressible form.

I wept for I was not alone.
I wept for I was safe.
I wept for I was comforted.
I wept for I was loved.
I wept for I had never experienced such miraculous intimacy.

I weep now remembering. So pure, so devastating.

Many years ago I had a similar spiritual encounter in a dream. I saw two mercury-like bubbles hovering over a pool of light. The two bubbles swirrled together around each other and a voice from somewhere said "The hugging of souls". I was one of the mecury-like bubbles...the other was unknown. I wept that night as well with the same intensity.

I cannot help but think that what I experienced last night was a moment with God. A moment in God. I wish everyone could feel what I felt. I wish everyone could know.

I wish I could return to that dream. To be held once more in the intimate grasp of eternity and light.

I know not the meaning of this dream. I only know that it was real and significant and has fundamentally altered me on a spiritual level...forever.

Let the Healing Begin!!!

I just finished reading a book.

Finding Angela Shelton

It's the true story of one woman's triumph over sexual abuse.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse.
I'm saying it now, I'm saying it out loud!
I was sexually abused as a child.
More than once, and by more than one person.

To keep silent is to let those whom abused me keep a sort of control on my life. My sub-conscious.
I encourage you, if you have been, to say it out loud. The only way we can beat this epidemic in our society is speak of it, make others aware, and fight against it.

I thought I was over it! I thought I had worked through my issues.

After reading this book I see the journey has really just begun.

Yet it is a journey that I welcome whole-heartedly.

I have the strength. I have the courage. I love this life too violently to let these circumstances of my youth continue to haunt and dim the the spirit in me.

More to come as my courage grows.

In His Light,

Blake

Right from the heart

I am working on many things currently. I imagine we all are, working on things...

I recently uncovered the next part of me that needs change. A most painful discovery.

I google searched the term self-pity. What prompted the search was a realization that an interview I had planned for and went through, was bogus. The interviewer had never intended to consider me, they were simply fullfilling an obligation to another person who thought I was right for the position. All unbeknownst to me until I decipered the body language...

I broke down in that moment of realization. Why did the interviewer bother? Why, I would have been able to handle a flat out rejection as opposed to a empty interview where I invested my heart and spirit and hope.

So I cried. I have been trying for 5 years now, off and on, to manuver into a position that aligns better with my person, my being. This position was a bright chance for me. And I didn't even have a chance from the get go, though I was led to believe so.

Alas, in the midst of my crying a thought pummeled me. "Why so sad about this? It was not meant, that is why it did not occur."

And then I realized, I enjoyed the crying. I enjoyed the pity. The 'woe is me.'

So I looked into self-pity.

What a startling revelation I uncovered!!
~~~~
As taken from wikipedia:

Self-pity is a way of paying attention to oneself, albeit negatively; it is a means self-soothing or self-nurturing ("I hurt so much").

Social-Learning theorists purport that self-pity is a method for gaining attention, probably as a child, where an individual received attention, support, and nurturing while being sick or hurt. The child then grows up having learned to give attention to oneself (or ask for attention from others) while in real or dramatized distress to receive the same payoff. Thus, another form of self-sustainment can be sympathy offered by others: "oh, you poor thing."

And now for the real kicker of this revelation (also from wikipedia):

The nature and depth of human pride are illuminated by comparing boasting with self-pity. Both are manifestations of pride. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to suffering. Boasting says, “I deserve admiration because I have achieved so much.” Self-pity says, “I deserve admiration because I have sacrificed so much.” Boasting is the voice of pride in the heart of the strong. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak. Boasting sounds self-sufficient. Self-pity sounds self-sacrificing.
The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be needy. But the need arises from a wounded ego, and the desire of the self-pitying is not really for others to see them as helpless, but as heroes. The need self-pity feels does not come from a sense of unworthiness, but from a sense of unrecognized worthiness. It is the response of unapplauded pride.

~~~~~~~
Me? Prideful? Me boastful?
YES!

YES!

So proud to have sacrificed so much! To have continued in a position that utilizes few of my God-given talents so that I can earn a paycheck to sustain my family. To have "held it all in." To be unable to form an "opinion." To be incapable of making a decision that held my needs first. To have been strong in times when I was abused by others.

All so proud. Take pity on me. Love me for I am not weak, I am strong. Look at all these things I've withstood.

NOT ANYMORE!!!!

Pity is not an attribute to carry proudly. It is a disease! A disease that eats at one's dreams and leaves them rotting in one's heart.

I will pity myself no more. I will pity others no more.
What others are going through they are meant to be going through just as the things I am going through are meant for me to be going through.

To pity is to say "awe, poor thing, you don't deserve this circumstance. I feel so sorry for you."

It's not about deserving circumstance. It's about circumstance carving you, wielding you. Shaping you into the next part of yourself you are meant to be. To ignore it, is to pity it.

Look around you. Pity is everywhere. It is valued in others and by others.
Such a subtle force.
I imagine if I read through previous blog posts of mine I will find the subtle song of pity playing it's tune.

So what is proper? What is the solution to pity?

Anger? Should I be angry for all those years burned in the fires of self-pity?
Should I remorse loosing that part of me that comforted me so much?

I don't know the answer yet. I have to work through it. And when I have, I can share it!

Love

I wonder how many others can relate.

Love strikes me in so many ways. The chords of a song, the flitter of a butterfly, the casual smile of a stranger.

I love so many. I love so much.

People
Thoughts
Glances
The swish of the paint upon the canvas
This song

People strike me in the same way as music. I see them dance, I see their hearts, I see their thoughts floating into the sky. Delicate beings, dancing as best they can to this song of life.

Who knows. Perhaps I'm just insane.
Perhaps I'm hopelessly lost in my own perception of things. Everhow hard I try to be out of myself and experience truth for truth's sake.

I suppose that's why I'm forced to paint.

I sit here staring at this blank screen, painfully trying to describe this thing wrapped around my heart. Ah, it is something I'll have to paint to explain I suppose.

It's as if a net has been cast around my heart and is being pulled tight so as to cause my heart to squeeze and bulge through each little diamond-shaped space. As if in any moment it will burst and all the flowers and butterflies will come billowing out.

Flowers and butterflies
Songs and dandelions
All the treasures I have stored away in my heart to take joy from at any given moment of any given day.
Ah, the treasures. His smile, her smile. That sunset, that sunrise. The scent of morning dew. The leaves that wisped across the interstate that day. This song.

This song. That song. So many songs...

And now I'm in tears

Do you know? Does anyone know? Know of this love? It's a universal love. It encompasses mankind, this planet, this lifeforce we're all apart of.

~sigh~

I haven't a clue if any of this makes sense. I hope it does and I apologize if it does not.

~Blake

Does Beauty Really Fade?? Revisited

Awhile back I posted about this topic. I have grown spiritually, mentally, and emotionally since then and find there is more I need to say on this topic.

Does Beauty Really Fade??

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

No one can take what you deem beautiful away from you. What you deem beautiful sings a song in your heart and brings a light to your world.

As for me, I believe we should strive to see the beauty in all beings.

Age is a process. Age is a path we all walk upon. We are shaped by it, changed by it, and can be moved by it.

One does damage to one's spirit to rebel against age or to think it bad.

Have you ever stopped to look a yourself through the lens of life? To strip away all your thoughts and preconceived notions of what beauty looks like or should look like?

Take stretch marks for instance...they are not stretch marks. They are life marks.

Have you ever looked at them for what they are?

They are beautiful! It's as if God has woven mother of pearl into my skin! Shining, colorful! They shimmer in the light!

How can something that shimmers in the light be ordained ugly?

Who decided these marks were ugly anyway??? And then who decided to mass-feed this idea to everyone?! Terriable!

My lifemarks remind me of important stages in my life...puberty...pregnancy. I embrace them, they are a part of me and my path.

I challenge you. Throw out all your ideas of beauty that you have ever been taught and glance upon your naked self with a new eye. Notice your delicate self. Notice the planet of you with hills and valleys and deserts, grasslands, and forests...

Notice beautiful, miraculous you. The embodiment of all of creation!

So does beauty fade? Well, if you ask me...

NO!!!!!

I have been moved to tears from beauty I have encountered in beings of all shapes, ages, colors, and sizes. It's all in the heart. Beauty is in the spirit.

Beauty is in being.

Fret not forever beautiful one.

Love,

Blake

The Dangerous Dance with Desire

My first idea for the title of this post was "Desire Management." I decided not to use this title because after a brief google search it pulled up links and threads that had NOTHING to do with what I wanted to share. Plus, the title seemed a bit too corporate for the subject matter I am about to discuss.


Now let's discuss Desire
In 2008 I read this book:
I use a rather unusual way of selecting books to read. I let my subconscious be the guide. I go to the bookstore and pick out the section of interest. From there I feel out the energies of the books. I allow the cover designs and titles to speak to me on a subconscious level. It is amazing what energy can be picked up on when one is looking for it.
Such was the case that caused me to pick this book out and purchase it.

I knew that within this book was answers to some questions I had been struck with.


What were these questions?


Let me first share the prelude to the questions. One random day, while driving home from work, I was struck with the terriable desire to take my vehicle to the dealership and trade it in for the exact same vehicle-except this one would have a sunroof. During that drive I found that I wanted a sunroof again so badly that I was willing to go to extreme measures (and cost) to satisfy that desire. I mean, how insane would have it been for me to take my 2 year old car and trade it in for the exact same car/just with a sunroof??? Fortunately, my reason won the battle that day and I avoided that insane decision.

But from that experience I was haunted with a guantlet of questions~
"Why the hell did I encounter such a terribly overpowering desire in the first place?"
"Why had I been attacked with such a desire, where had it come from?"
" Would I be able to fight it off if it came again?"


And as my mind began paying attention to my desires, I found that I was often attacked with insane desires of all kinds. I noticed that I was at war with myself and my desires. I was at war with how I wanted to live my life and how my desires wanted me to live.
Which caused more questions?

"Why are these overpowering desires in contradiction to my values?"
"Why can't my desires be calm and in harmony with my values and reason?"
"Why do I find that my desires take hold of me like a rapist takes hold of it's victim?"
Now I know this last question is a bit of a shocking analogy, but it is true. Desires can grab hold of you and not let go. And they can rape you and take the spirit out of you.

That is, if you let them.

But this is such a difficult topic, desire. For if one has no desire in life, one ceases to live. Yet, when one has desire, one has access to all desire. And all desires are not healthy to live out, such as well, the desire to eat ice cream for every meal of the day. Or the desire to destroy one's marriage with infidelity. Or perhaps say, the desire to randomly spend the equivalent of $30,000 on a sunroof...

So we are left with a dilemma. If we choose to be desire filled, we open ourselves up to the spectrum of desires. If we choose to be "above desire" and have no desires we find that all things are motivated by desire and thus we must cease to live if we choose to have no desire.

For the desire to eat, causes the desire to get out of bed. And the desire to earn money, causes the desire work, which causes the desire to get dressed for work, which causes the desire to take a shower....

So what are we to do?

Dance with desire. Recognize it's rhythm.
Recognize where particular desires originate from and avoid these influences.

Yes, desire managment.

Now as for this book I read, I suggest you read it if you found that you could relate to my rape analogy. It will assist you in the understanding of this strange and miraculous caveat of the human condition.

As for this blog post.
I want to reveal the most dangerous sources of desire so that you can now have the option of avoiding them. (For in avoiding these, you will help yourself reduce the bombardment of many unwanted/unecessary desires)

Television
Magazines
Radio
Malls

Now why should you avoid them? I'll outline a few reasons:

They inform you that you are not good enough. That you must lose weight, or get that new outfit, or purchase that new car in order to be a better person.

They inform you that where you live is not good enough. That you must purchase that new bigger house, or take that elaborate vacation, or have your entire yard professionally landscaped in order to have the perfect home.

They inform you that your marriage is not good enough. That you need multiple partners, that you need to fantasize about others, that you need to have affairs, in order to have a satisfying love-life.

The list is endless really. I could go on but I won't.

~~~~~~~~~~
These desire machines are terriable. They attack the spirit.
They thwart your self-image. They fill your mind with such static, that you become unable to hear your own voice.

This February, we visted the coast. While there, we walked around a new outdoor/boardwalk type mall they had built. In the window of a swimsuit shop I saw the newest terrible message.
Along the window, was a row of super slender mannequins with disproportionately large breasts. I commented to my husband. "Look, no female can have a figure like that naturally. They must obtain a breast enhancement to look that way."

It was incredible. Now, NOT only is there no chance for a young woman to achieve the "ideal" image naturally...the new "ideal" woman can only be achieved through surgical enhancement.

Do you see how far this is ingrained? Here I am talking about the "ideal" woman! All women are ideal! All men are ideal! It's not breast enhancement! It's bodily mutilation! Wow, you have to be aware of your thoughts at all times...see how sneaky desire is at working it's way into our beings? I'm making a deliberate post about it and have just encountered it, yet again, all wrapped up in myself! DANG!

Ah, it is absolutely discusting to me that those mannequins exist. I want to slap the creators of those mannequins in the face. In the moment that I glanced upon them, I felt a sharp sting to my spirit. For naturally, I was filled with desire to be that shape. The shape was rich, erotic, and compelling. But most certainly COMPLETELY UNNATURAL. And had I not been exposed to that image, I would not have encounted such violence to my spirit!

I am STILL recovering from that bout of unnatural desire. And I pain at the thought of our youth, who are too young to know themselves, who will be spiritually molded to believe they must surgically alter themselves to be good enough because of these mannequins... and the young gentlemen who will think women just grow that way or if they can't they'll just get a "boob job."

Whatever happened to I am who I am. I am rich, I am delicate, I am flawed, I am natural, I am beautiful for I am how my Creator made me be.

Thank you for reading. I do not believe I have completed this blog post, but this is all I can write for tonight.

Until next time. Take care of yourself, gentle true spirit.

In His Light,

Blake


Where to get the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Desire-Why-We-Want-What/dp/0195327071/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240704565&sr=1-1