I recently uncovered the next part of me that needs change. A most painful discovery.
I google searched the term self-pity. What prompted the search was a realization that an interview I had planned for and went through, was bogus. The interviewer had never intended to consider me, they were simply fullfilling an obligation to another person who thought I was right for the position. All unbeknownst to me until I decipered the body language...
I broke down in that moment of realization. Why did the interviewer bother? Why, I would have been able to handle a flat out rejection as opposed to a empty interview where I invested my heart and spirit and hope.
So I cried. I have been trying for 5 years now, off and on, to manuver into a position that aligns better with my person, my being. This position was a bright chance for me. And I didn't even have a chance from the get go, though I was led to believe so.
Alas, in the midst of my crying a thought pummeled me. "Why so sad about this? It was not meant, that is why it did not occur."
And then I realized, I enjoyed the crying. I enjoyed the pity. The 'woe is me.'
So I looked into self-pity.
What a startling revelation I uncovered!!
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As taken from wikipedia:
Self-pity is a way of paying attention to oneself, albeit negatively; it is a means self-soothing or self-nurturing ("I hurt so much").
Social-Learning theorists purport that self-pity is a method for gaining attention, probably as a child, where an individual received attention, support, and nurturing while being sick or hurt. The child then grows up having learned to give attention to oneself (or ask for attention from others) while in real or dramatized distress to receive the same payoff. Thus, another form of self-sustainment can be sympathy offered by others: "oh, you poor thing."
And now for the real kicker of this revelation (also from wikipedia):
The nature and depth of human pride are illuminated by comparing boasting with self-pity. Both are manifestations of pride. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to suffering. Boasting says, “I deserve admiration because I have achieved so much.” Self-pity says, “I deserve admiration because I have sacrificed so much.” Boasting is the voice of pride in the heart of the strong. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak. Boasting sounds self-sufficient. Self-pity sounds self-sacrificing.
The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be needy. But the need arises from a wounded ego, and the desire of the self-pitying is not really for others to see them as helpless, but as heroes. The need self-pity feels does not come from a sense of unworthiness, but from a sense of unrecognized worthiness. It is the response of unapplauded pride.
The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be needy. But the need arises from a wounded ego, and the desire of the self-pitying is not really for others to see them as helpless, but as heroes. The need self-pity feels does not come from a sense of unworthiness, but from a sense of unrecognized worthiness. It is the response of unapplauded pride.
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Me? Prideful? Me boastful?
YES!
YES!
So proud to have sacrificed so much! To have continued in a position that utilizes few of my God-given talents so that I can earn a paycheck to sustain my family. To have "held it all in." To be unable to form an "opinion." To be incapable of making a decision that held my needs first. To have been strong in times when I was abused by others.
All so proud. Take pity on me. Love me for I am not weak, I am strong. Look at all these things I've withstood.
NOT ANYMORE!!!!
Pity is not an attribute to carry proudly. It is a disease! A disease that eats at one's dreams and leaves them rotting in one's heart.
I will pity myself no more. I will pity others no more.
What others are going through they are meant to be going through just as the things I am going through are meant for me to be going through.
To pity is to say "awe, poor thing, you don't deserve this circumstance. I feel so sorry for you."
It's not about deserving circumstance. It's about circumstance carving you, wielding you. Shaping you into the next part of yourself you are meant to be. To ignore it, is to pity it.
Look around you. Pity is everywhere. It is valued in others and by others.
Such a subtle force.
I imagine if I read through previous blog posts of mine I will find the subtle song of pity playing it's tune.
So what is proper? What is the solution to pity?
Anger? Should I be angry for all those years burned in the fires of self-pity?
Should I remorse loosing that part of me that comforted me so much?
I don't know the answer yet. I have to work through it. And when I have, I can share it!
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