We are Meant -Excerpt II

We are meant to walk in the forest.

Trees are connected to Heaven and Earth.

Their energy is balanced.

When one walks through the forest one's energy is allowed to balance.

It's like a tuning fork.

The trees hum of oneness and as we walk through our bodies begin to resonate the same frequency.

Walking through the forest is also another vital way to calm one's storm of the mind.

The storm of the mind can be quite fierce and unrelenting.

Alas, with the forest one can have peace.

We are Meant -Excerpt I

We are meant to gaze upon the sky.

The quickest way to pull oneself out of the storm of one's mind is to glance upon the sky.

Transformation

I am a mother of two now. Our daughter was born 5/27/2010 at 12:48am.

Our son is 7 and absolutely adores her.

To have a son is one thing, to have a daughter is another.

I look at her tiny being and marvel. She looks nothing like me. I await in wonder as time unveils the origin of her genes. It seems she has my mother and grandmother in her. I wonder if she will keep her delightful brunette hair, I wonder whose toes she has and hands. Such a glowing beauty. I am humbled.

There are things I have learned since my first pregnancy. I would like to share.

I am calmer this time around. I understand the demands and let the demands shape me and mold me. Instead of fighting nature's law. Such as fighting for more sleep or fighting for a break from nursing. I lean into the demands. I give beyond myself to see what comes of it.

When she demands more nursing, we nurse. And I await to see what her body has told my body to do. I had to nurse several hours in a row before bedtime one night, the next night I nursed before bedtime and then we slept almost 4 hours before our next feeding. She knows more than I what needs to be done. I understand this dynamic between the two of us. If I am upset, she wants to nurse. Amazingly enough, she wants to nurse because she wants to calm mommy.

I'm more aware this time. My milk lets-down moments before she stirs from her slumber. I still have yet to figure out if I'm waking her up in those moments or if I'm sensing her awakening in those moments. Either way, it's pretty miraculous how in synch we are.

We use the sun to regulate. Little sun baths of 5 -7 mins a few times a day. They've helped clear up her jaundice. I read that baby's who poop a lot will clear their jaudice sooner. We've all heard how the sun helps clear up jaundice. Well, every time we gave her a sun bath, she would have a poop. It was fascinating. The sun was literally pulling it out of her body!

The sun is also helping her regulate her internal clock, with it she is learning to sleep more at night.

I do not find that I am "sleep deprived." We cosleep and she nurses when she needs to and then were able to drift off to sleep again.

I am more patient. Perhaps because I'm older, perhaps because I've done all this before. Or perhaps because I believe she is our last child and want to enjoy every single moment of this delicate age.

Such joy.

Destiny

One of my dear friends from work just celebrated her retirement party. I got to be the one in charge of handling all the details, from ordering the food to arranging her retirement memory book. It was a great exercise in skills that I am sadly incompetent in; namely planning and delegating. Alas, it turned out very well for my first serious planned event! Especially with me being 9 months pregnant and full of baby brain-itis!

All that said, I'd like to speak specifically to her memory book. It was a collection of memory cards from various people throughout the office. I wanted her book to be extra special so I collected a series of quotes to write and include in her book and drew up her favorite animals, horses and cats, and added quotes to those as well. It made for a lovely assortment of well wishes and positive thoughts to carry her on through her next life's chapter.

Amidst all the searching for really meaningful and thoughtful quotes I stumbled upon this one that struck me so deeply, well, I had to write about it!



“Sow a thought, and you reap an act; Sow an act, and you reap a habit; Sow a habit, and you reap a character; Sow a character, and you reap a destiny”

Charles Read

And what exactly did I take away from this quote?

That every thought is significant. Deeply significant. For the heart of our destiny is rooted in these thoughts.

Furthermore, every action we take from our thoughts is deeply significant.

This is tough to realize for we tend to go around in our lives with the cruise control on. Just taking it easy...doing this, doing that...getting some things done, some things not. No big deal, right?

Hmmmmm...

Then we hit one of those milestones.

Like the age of Thirty, or the age of Forty, or Fifty. Or a New Year comes along and we take that intimate moment to pause and reflect on our life's direction. And what do we find? We do we see?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...I'm this age? I've gone another year without doing that? I've gone another decade without doing that?


Yes, in those moments we digest the seriousness of the NOW. We wake up for a little bit to our life's perspective to see what cruise control does to our destiny. Namely, that cruise control DERAILS IT!!

The work, the hard work. Is to take each thought. To take each action with the same seriousness and awareness that we give to those milestones. To make milestones a daily event, a daily thought. A daily action.

It's about this precious journey, isn't' it? It's about the path. Not the end.

In those milestone moments we sentimentalize our life's journey. We say, "Awe, man. Life is fast! I sure would like to get that done before I die. Hmmmmm. Wow, how this life just goes and we can't put the breaks on."

No good. No good! WE MUST TAKE ACTION! In any moment that we feel the "drift" we must WAKE UP, think about what we're thinking~ shift it if necessary. Then ACT.

I thought. I thought of how important the meaning of this quote is. I thought of how I had to share this discovery. Then, I acted. I wrote this post. But there's more...oh so much more, isn't there?

That's the other difficulty. If we're to act, we must continually act. I'm so use to cruise control! It's so easy! But I've never been a fan of easy. lol

So what is next? Well, more posts! More sharing! More painting! More creating!

It's what I'm here for. It what we're here for!

You see that destiny of yours? It's waiting. It's calling your name. What thought can you have today that you can act on TODAY.

Then we'll discuss all the other parts of this quote. As if this isn't hard enough to think an act seriously, we still have to reap our character and destiny! Whewwww!

We can do it though. We were BORN to do it!

Pondering the Nature of Dreams

I dreamt last night of love so intense it woke me from my sleep and caused me weep.

I don't mean the love of a person, though a person was involved. The person was merely the conduit. The visual expression of this spiritual encounter. I closed my eyes and kissed them on the forehead and they spoke "I'm kissed."

I dreamt of love.

In it's purest most inexpressible form.

I wept for I was not alone.
I wept for I was safe.
I wept for I was comforted.
I wept for I was loved.
I wept for I had never experienced such miraculous intimacy.

I weep now remembering. So pure, so devastating.

Many years ago I had a similar spiritual encounter in a dream. I saw two mercury-like bubbles hovering over a pool of light. The two bubbles swirrled together around each other and a voice from somewhere said "The hugging of souls". I was one of the mecury-like bubbles...the other was unknown. I wept that night as well with the same intensity.

I cannot help but think that what I experienced last night was a moment with God. A moment in God. I wish everyone could feel what I felt. I wish everyone could know.

I wish I could return to that dream. To be held once more in the intimate grasp of eternity and light.

I know not the meaning of this dream. I only know that it was real and significant and has fundamentally altered me on a spiritual level...forever.

Let the Healing Begin!!!

I just finished reading a book.

Finding Angela Shelton

It's the true story of one woman's triumph over sexual abuse.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse.
I'm saying it now, I'm saying it out loud!
I was sexually abused as a child.
More than once, and by more than one person.

To keep silent is to let those whom abused me keep a sort of control on my life. My sub-conscious.
I encourage you, if you have been, to say it out loud. The only way we can beat this epidemic in our society is speak of it, make others aware, and fight against it.

I thought I was over it! I thought I had worked through my issues.

After reading this book I see the journey has really just begun.

Yet it is a journey that I welcome whole-heartedly.

I have the strength. I have the courage. I love this life too violently to let these circumstances of my youth continue to haunt and dim the the spirit in me.

More to come as my courage grows.

In His Light,

Blake

Right from the heart

I am working on many things currently. I imagine we all are, working on things...

I recently uncovered the next part of me that needs change. A most painful discovery.

I google searched the term self-pity. What prompted the search was a realization that an interview I had planned for and went through, was bogus. The interviewer had never intended to consider me, they were simply fullfilling an obligation to another person who thought I was right for the position. All unbeknownst to me until I decipered the body language...

I broke down in that moment of realization. Why did the interviewer bother? Why, I would have been able to handle a flat out rejection as opposed to a empty interview where I invested my heart and spirit and hope.

So I cried. I have been trying for 5 years now, off and on, to manuver into a position that aligns better with my person, my being. This position was a bright chance for me. And I didn't even have a chance from the get go, though I was led to believe so.

Alas, in the midst of my crying a thought pummeled me. "Why so sad about this? It was not meant, that is why it did not occur."

And then I realized, I enjoyed the crying. I enjoyed the pity. The 'woe is me.'

So I looked into self-pity.

What a startling revelation I uncovered!!
~~~~
As taken from wikipedia:

Self-pity is a way of paying attention to oneself, albeit negatively; it is a means self-soothing or self-nurturing ("I hurt so much").

Social-Learning theorists purport that self-pity is a method for gaining attention, probably as a child, where an individual received attention, support, and nurturing while being sick or hurt. The child then grows up having learned to give attention to oneself (or ask for attention from others) while in real or dramatized distress to receive the same payoff. Thus, another form of self-sustainment can be sympathy offered by others: "oh, you poor thing."

And now for the real kicker of this revelation (also from wikipedia):

The nature and depth of human pride are illuminated by comparing boasting with self-pity. Both are manifestations of pride. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to suffering. Boasting says, “I deserve admiration because I have achieved so much.” Self-pity says, “I deserve admiration because I have sacrificed so much.” Boasting is the voice of pride in the heart of the strong. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak. Boasting sounds self-sufficient. Self-pity sounds self-sacrificing.
The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be needy. But the need arises from a wounded ego, and the desire of the self-pitying is not really for others to see them as helpless, but as heroes. The need self-pity feels does not come from a sense of unworthiness, but from a sense of unrecognized worthiness. It is the response of unapplauded pride.

~~~~~~~
Me? Prideful? Me boastful?
YES!

YES!

So proud to have sacrificed so much! To have continued in a position that utilizes few of my God-given talents so that I can earn a paycheck to sustain my family. To have "held it all in." To be unable to form an "opinion." To be incapable of making a decision that held my needs first. To have been strong in times when I was abused by others.

All so proud. Take pity on me. Love me for I am not weak, I am strong. Look at all these things I've withstood.

NOT ANYMORE!!!!

Pity is not an attribute to carry proudly. It is a disease! A disease that eats at one's dreams and leaves them rotting in one's heart.

I will pity myself no more. I will pity others no more.
What others are going through they are meant to be going through just as the things I am going through are meant for me to be going through.

To pity is to say "awe, poor thing, you don't deserve this circumstance. I feel so sorry for you."

It's not about deserving circumstance. It's about circumstance carving you, wielding you. Shaping you into the next part of yourself you are meant to be. To ignore it, is to pity it.

Look around you. Pity is everywhere. It is valued in others and by others.
Such a subtle force.
I imagine if I read through previous blog posts of mine I will find the subtle song of pity playing it's tune.

So what is proper? What is the solution to pity?

Anger? Should I be angry for all those years burned in the fires of self-pity?
Should I remorse loosing that part of me that comforted me so much?

I don't know the answer yet. I have to work through it. And when I have, I can share it!