Friday, November 5, 2010

Crossroads?

I am reading another book. I seriously need to create a book list. Each new book BLOWS my freaking mind. Every one of them have been meant for me to read. And the order in which I have read them was absolutely necessary. And they interweave so miraculously it cannot be a random occurrence of coincidences.

Let me illustrate this small proof. Our son's name is Aquila. A rare name, a rare son. Tonight, whilst reading this book Ascent of a Leader, what should I happen to read. His name. Spelled exactly how we spell it.

I told my husband a few months ago that I was meant to read this book. I found it randomly in the basement while cleaning out some boxes. I had never seen it before so I asked him about it. It had been given to him at a Bible study. I told him then, it is meant for me to read.

Tonight, I showed him just how meant it was. Aquila? Really, can this be found in literature often?

I will take the time, I will compose all these books and interweave their significance together.

Goodness, let me get to my point. I am utterly torn at the moment as to whether I should continue to pursue my art or if I should begin pursuing this.

Writing these things that are freaking ravaging my insides. I quake with revelations right now. Revelations I feel nauseatingly compelled to share. There's no other way to describe it. There is this deep nagging in my being that makes me tremble and shake.

I type here, time upon time. It seems I type into space. I thank my 1 follower for following. I suspect have 1 or 2 other followers who do not directly follow me, I thank you too.

What do I want? Not fame, not fortune, not success, not recognition.
I want to heal. I want to enable others to heal themselves.
I know that pain. That tear shrieking pain. Caused by isolation. Fear that no one loves you for YOU. That no one knows you for YOU. I battle with it too. So fiercely.

Let me step back here. God knows that me. Christ knows that me. And despite it ALL loves me just the same. How comforting.

Why is something so comforting so easy to loose sight of?

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